We all dream of a beautiful, happy, and peaceful family. We fantasize about having a supportive partner who makes us happy, raising kids who grow up nurtured and active, and living in a home that fulfills what we lacked from our reality. It’s a goal, an ideal view of life, but far from our reach as today’s economy has proven home ownership itself is hard to achieve, let alone secure relationship and family planning.

Beyond financial considerations, our increasing awareness in mental health, navigating relationships, contemporary parenting, and personal experiences in parent-child dynamics have led to a much more critical approach to family planning: should I and do I deserve to have a child or not?

This polarizing topic is not new, but the way society views family planning as a post-requisite that completes and seals everything upon young adults and newly married couples needs to be talked about.

When asking individuals why they wish to not get married, many tend to respect their decisions, if not try to understand them. We open our minds towards their choices for freedom, their ambitions of prioritizing careers, or their preferences for solitude. However, when a childfree individual is asked about their decision, reactions tend to be highly judgmental.

This creates a toxic discourse that disregards their reproductive choice. Particularly for women, they are tricked into a cancel culture where they pit one against another for having different reproductive choices in life. We have demonized childfree women, turning them into individuals who are mistakenly perceived as insulting to those who try to conceive. Yet, we have also turned “childfree” into a glamorizable ideal, dismissing women who find empowerment in motherhood while overlooking childfree decisions’ roots and causes that could have been addressed and understood on an emotional level.

All of this happened because we as society have never allowed nuance in this discourse. We box women into ideals, expectations, socially constructed roles, and yet it can never be enough and everything has always been a double standard. You are told to get married, if not you are undesirable like a spinster in the Bridgerton universe. Yet, you can’t marry too soon, because they still see you like a child and doubt your potential and you’re expected to not give up your ambitions. But then again, it is so much better to give birth sooner, because too late means you’re selfish.

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“You should totally give birth too,

but never too many kids and never none;

a pair of boy and girl would be ideal, if not keep trying until you get another gender but again;

never too many because earth has enough population and you shouldn’t be greedy.

Give your kids siblings,

but remember not too much age gap,

but it’s also great to have a much older one to help you out in raising the younger ones.”

“You should taste the normal delivery experience,

because that is what many believe to be the ‘true’ womanhood.

But if it puts you and your baby at risk,

you still have to try.

In the event your baby or you didn’t make it,

it’s your fault.

If you choose c-section and you saved both yourself and your baby, congrats,

but you missed out on that ‘true’ motherhood so you are not whole.

Once you’ve given birth,

you should bounce back to your hot body the soonest so you can still be desirable to your man.

If your body can’t do so, you’re embarrassing.

But if you manage to bounce back,

you’re not reading the room and your body is body shaming others.”

This creates a toxic discourse that disregards their reproductive choice. Particularly for women, they are tricked into a cancel culture where they pit one against another for having different reproductive choices in life.

“If you experience baby blues and post-partum depression,

you’re crazy and it’s your fault.

If you say you don’t want a child because you don’t have the capacity to be a good mother,

you’re also crazy and it’s also your fault.

If you choose to sacrifice your job and be a stay at home mom for your child,

you’re wasting away your potential.

If you choose to keep your career,

you’re sacrificing your mother-child moments

thus you are self-centered.

If you cannot conceive,

you are a failure to your partner.

If you can conceive but choose not to,

you are a traitor to women and the sisterhood.”

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We have set so many rules for family planning, yet we discredit all of the hard work and careful considerations.

We are policing too much on choices that don’t fit our personal preferences, forgetting the whole point of family planning being a private matter. Everyone should have the right to exercise their rights and preferences that mean good. To bear or not to bear a child is a basic reproductive right we cannot take from others, so who are we to judge others’ decisions?