Inside The Mind of a Clinically Depressed
Looking beneath the surface of what’s hidden by a clinically depressed.
Words by Whiteboard Journal
There is this one girl everyone know. She looks real tough like she owned the world. She laughs with her friends, she makes jokes, or be a joke sometimes, she’s bold enough to do things others are afraid to. Outside looking in, she looks like the girl who is contented with her life.
Ironically, inside looking out, she always felt like this one person who is never been too good at making decisions; or remembering things; or running errands; or completing tasks; or making arts; or getting acknowledgments; or giving advices; or keeping friends; or pleasing others; or just basically not being sucked at life. She broke so much, she lost count of it. But she’s an expert at hiding it, truly that’s the one skill she’s good at. She buried her feelings so deep no one knows she’s hurting and stood so tall no one knows she’s breaking. She built a fortress between the big old factory inside her skull that keeps producing excessive amounts of unbalanced biochemicals and the mask she’s wearing at her outside 24/7 whenever another human-being were on her reach.
But little did people know, there were times when the raging storms inside her brain were so strong that her fortress could not withstand it. And that’s when all of the symptoms came out:
The first thing that took place was the zone out. It’s like everything that was happening around her suddenly faded into the background and nothing was ever present. Everything that used to matter to her became meaningless. She lost interest even on something that she used to love. Her paintings, her writings, her family, her friends, her favorite tv show, her study, even her looks became… unimportant. Her feelings became dull and she could not care less about anything no more.
The next thing was the depersonalization/derealization. For her personally, the depersonalization occurred more strongly than the derealization, but sometimes both of them took place at the same time. Depersonalization means the feeling of disconnection from oneself. It’s like her body is not attached to “herself” anymore. She started to see herself with a third-person eye. If she did something, she knew she did it, but she felt as if it’s not “herself” that did the thing she just did but rather it’s just her body reaction. She felt like floating and could not take a hold on something from her current reality, even if it meant her own body. She turned into a humane-robot.
Then, she started revisiting all of her bad memories; and that included every bad decisions she ever made, every wrongdoings and humiliation she ever got, every drop of tears she ever shed, every beautiful opportunities she ever missed. And it’s not that she wanted to remember all these horrific scenes from her past, but she just couldn’t help it when the film just keep rolling inside her brain. She just felt sorry for herself. Embarassed. Worthless. Helpless. She could no longer see any purpose or meaning towards her life.
Then followed: Irritability, restlessness, loss of concentration, difficulty remembering things, easily tired, oversleeping, early-morning awakening, overeating, headaches, cramps.
The worst part was the nonstop cascade of tears that kept streaming down her cheeks as if her eyes were two broken dams. She could not stop to cry and cry and cry until her lungs gave out and there were no longer water inside her body she could spill from her eyes. But eventhough her tears already dried out, did not mean the pain was too. So it took her to the last sojourn.
Suicide trial. Relax, she’s a coward. She would never really tried to kill herself. At least not up until now. She’s just playing. Putting a scissor close to her arteries–just grazing it a little–or holding her breath as long as she can until she started to feel dizzy–then exhales and inhales another bag of air. Well see, she’s just a coward piece of garbage. Though she could no longer see any point in her being alive, she was just not as special as someone that is brave enough to actually kill themselves.
So after all the brutal storms hit her within around two or three days, all she eventually did were just closes her eyes and keeps breathing until the storms subsided. Tomorrow would be a better day, she thought. And it would. But she knew it wasn’t finished. She knew sometimes in the future, the raging storms will hit her again. Unluckily, she’d never knew when, so she could not prepare herself for when it came. She just had to deal with it the only way that she can. And the only way she knows is to contain these raging storms alone, because she doesn’t want others to look at her like she was some kind of victim—and mainly, she just could not trust other people to take this catastrophe as seriously as she feels herself.